I feel that I always have these "moments" where I reanalyze everything. This particular situation really sucks:
I am giving my boyfriend a "30 day notice" to be better. I'm so tired of playing the role of his mom and not having a voice in arguments. There is no more passion or love it seems. We have been together what's going on 7 years in December... but I can't believe that this may be it if he doesn't shape up. So much time and energy lost. Here's the list:
1. Smoking- It's disgusting, revolting, smells, dirty, makes him stupid. It's also really expensive and I'm sick of "supporting" his cause (supporting is in quotes because our money is mingled together.)
2. Beowulf- A 200 lb. dog that is coming to live with us starting TOMORROW who by the way, isn't so fond of me and I'm EXTREMELY nervous how the kids are going to be around him, and vice versa.
3. Video Games- I understand a guy likes his games. They're his veg-out time and instead of my boyfriend being into sports, he plays games. This particular game *cough* Modern Warefare 2 *cough* is ridiculous. He's swearing, angry, upset, happy, swearing some more... way too much. He plays it the moment he wakes up til when he leaves for work, from when he comes home til bed. Not so great. He also believes that when he has kids one day, that he'll still be playing. Hell. No.
4. Friends- They are all around 21 yrs old. None of them are around his age, or even close. He's 30 in January. Perhaps this is why he's unmotivated and enjoys the video games and smoking. He doesn't have someone to look up to with the exception of his stepfather whom he won't hang around unless he needs something :(
5. No Loving- I can't help but to feel disgusting as a girl if I don't get that "attention." Is he not into me right now because I'm fat, he's stressed, he's got better things to do, too tired... this list can go on. We kiss when we leave for somewhere, and maybe get one when we come home and maybe at night before bed. We hardly even cuddle anymore.
6. No Voice- No matter what kind of argument or disagreement we get into, he's right. It's not something that he takes both sides into consideration and he's stuck on what he wants to do and how rather than taking in my opinion. For instance- Beowulf & Kids (Kittens). We talked openly about having the kids and what it would entail. It was a few week process before he gave the ok. Notice: HE GAVE THE OK. For me, there is none of that. Beowulf is coming here and that's that. You knew this day was coming (where I was praying in that back of my mind that it would never happen) and that I should be patient and that Beowulf will come to love and all will be good. Thing is, he doesn't think these things through! He works 12 hour shifts daily so who's going to take him outside and deal with him tearing up the room because he's a 200 lb. DOG! ME! The whole reason why I decided on kittens and not a dog is because they're lower maintenace! They pee in a litter box and you don't have to walk them. That's it!
I'm praying that he'll come to his senses and it won't be a one day ordeal, where he'll follow through with everything and then stop for the next 29 days. This is it. I've tried and tried and worked so hard to make this work. This is becoming a one sided relationship... I'm sad that I have to do this.